In this space,
I only want to jot down happy moments about us.
Thus, whenever I am unhappy or things between us are bad, I didn't blog it out.
Friends are more important than you?
Please don't ever think that way.
Whatever I do, you are always the first thing that comes into my mind.
I would think of you before them.
Believe it or not.
In my heart, you are always my first priority.
Trust me, nothing matters more than you.
Perhaps, from the way I speak and my action shows you that my friends are much more important but the truth is you are the important one.
Do you know each time I see you cry,
my heart felt like there is a razor blade repeatedly dragging through it.
It just hurt so bad.
I want to be there for you so badly when you needed someone.
I know you want and need some time alone.
BUT
Do you know how I feel?
I don't want you to suffer everything alone.
I want to let you know you are not alone.
I am there, there for you.
To wipe your tears and comfort you.
You chased me away.
Still, I wanted to stay.
Till things were out of my wits, I left.
Cause I didnt want you to flare up and I didn't want to worsen your mood.
You really want to feel how I feel?
Yesterday, the first time you didn't text me in the morning.
Waking up to this weird feeling.
Imagination started to run wild.
I controlled myself.
I told myself, (Sheena, Trust him, Nothing is wrong. He just merely forgot to text you)
I was convincing myself, everything was alright.
Somehow, I sense something wasn't right.
Plus my ugly past made things worse.
Little actions that you did just make sucha huge impact on me.
Another example,
This morning, I kept calling you but you are not responding to my calls.
Do you know how sucky and fucked up I was feeling?
I just wanted to hear your voice so badly.
I just needed you to ensure I am still the only one for you.
Cause little did I know, you were mad about me.
Thus, I thought you had a change of heart or something like that.
I wanted to tell you how insecure I was.
BUT
I just don't want to add on to your burden and stress.
I want to ease your pain and face and solve the problems you had together.
BUT
You just can't open up to me.
Sigh.
I know the number of problems I am facing and the amount of stress is nothing compare to yours.
Thus, let me share the burden and stress with you, will you?
I really don't know what the fuck am I typing above.
All I know is I really love you, Chien Zhang Yi.
And it sucks to see you in misery.
I really wish I was the one going through this.
Labels: Jumbled up thoughts
