If my tears were up for sale, I would probably be a billionaire now.

Day Two
30th Sept 2009
Sunny

My heart is dead.
So is my blog.

Since the day you left me,
I was shattered.

Cause what you heard isn't true at all.
I can swear upon my whole family.
BUT
I know, you lost faith in me.
Lost trust.
Choose to believe them than in me.
I am super devastated.
I wish I was given a second chance.
Cause I am really innocent.
Everything was a misunderstanding.
I don't want to loose you just like that.
Putting on a strong front in front of you.
Just for the sake of it.
I felt damm wasted.
Why is this happening to me?
I was the most fortunate girl in the world.
Now?
Fuck you people who miscomprehended the whole fucking story and started to spread all these rumors.
It is you people who caused me to loose him.
Are you people happy now?
That I am suffering like hell.
He is really my everything.
Do you people know that my O's are just around the corner?
Do you people know how much he meant to me?
Do you people know now there is changes at home?
Why you people like to put your own happiness onto other's misery?
Is it that my whole world crumbles than you people will be happy and stop everything?
This isnt a show.
I really love him alot.
I will prove it to him by waiting for him.
Yes, I might not be as good as his ex.
Always getting information about him at first hand notice.
BUT
I have a heart which is loving him wholeheartedly since 23rd August 2009.
Till now, it is still beating for him.
If fate and destiny allows, bring him back to me.
Cause my life really sucked without him.
Every single little thing I do reminds me of him.
I didn't once did anything to hurt him deeply.
I didn't betray him.
I don't know what I did that I had to suffer all these shit.
I hate waking up in the morning knowing that i miss him truckloads yet I can't do anything.
Love isn't bullshit.
Not all girls are cb!
I am different.
Maybe I used to be one.
BUT
Since the day I know him,
I am changed person.
Why I have to loose the one I love the most in life other than my family for sucha reason?
Dear God,
Why is this happening to me?
I've changed.
Why are you putting me through misery again?
Do you know now I have so many things to fear?
I really dread of the day he had a change of heart.
I really love him alot.
Too much to loose him.
Fuck everything now.
I just can't accept the fact he isn't mine anymore.
What can I do now?
I am super worried about him.
I really hope god will give him the ability and strength to get the best things out of life.
I really hope god will give him the ability and strength to believe in me.
I really hope god will tell him, he actually misunderstood me.
Cause whatever we people are doing.
You, god knows about our actions vividly.
I wanna prove to him, I ain't like what those girls told him about me.
I am a good girl.
I don't phunk with guys heart.
My love for him is real.
All the friends around me can feel that.
BUT
Why the main male lead just can't feel that?

I miss him so much.
I love him more than words could said.

This ain't a show, it's reality.
If can, please don't give up on me and love.
I beg you, don't give up on me and love.
I will prove to you my innocence, my love and I am worth a second chance.
Wei shen me xing fu shi ni ren xin li qu?
Wei shen me nian fen kai dou yao qian jiu ni?
Ai hui yong yuan yong yuan ni shuo de, li kai wo de shi hou yi dian ye she bu de.
I really need you in my life.

Does ZY miss me like I do?
Does ZY still love me like I do?
Is ZY still trying to salvage our r/s like what I am doing?
I really dont want this love to go down the drain just like that.
It isn't worth it.
We should even end it.
Cause I really didnt do the things that was rumored.
Did I loose the ability to make ZY touched?
Is it ZY had given up on me totally?
Is it whatever I do I can't make ZY to be mine again?
I really fear that I've lost that ability.
ZY means really alot to me.
Seeing him in this state now.
It hurts me so badly.
On top of it, the hurt from the break up.
I really dont want to loose him so badly.
I really wish we can be like Chang Zai Xin and Alfred minus-ing the part Alfred died.
Sigh!
I pray hard that he doesn't visit my blog anymore
Cause I know he will be irritated if he see such long posts again.
BUT
This is my space, this is the only space whereby I can let my feelings out.
I am just venting and ranting.
Blogging and crying at the same time seems to be my fav. activity now.
I just feel so terrible lah.

Day One
29th Sept 2009
Sunny

Today I have decided to leave ZY alone till O's are over. So from today onwards, it will just be our one text per day deal. Though, I will still text him at times to shower him with care and concern. Not forgetting, love. It was really a very tough decision to make but still I did it. I am taking the risk cause I love him alot. In fact, even more than I thought I did. Anyway, ZY just called me. Asking me whether I was alright. Told him my first lie. I wasn't alright. I wanted to tell him I needed him so badly but since I have decided to leave him alone till O's are over. I have to do this. Sorry ZY. I know you will understand. Changes at home, I have to adapt. Being the eldest sucks. Cause if anything happens to the family, is the eldest who is the one who feel the most. After what had happened at home, suddenly, a thought came into my mind. Is ZY feeling the same way too? Being the eldest too. Suffering everything. Even though our parents may say that they do not need us to worry or share their burden with them but we as the eldest, somehow, we really feel like helping the family out. I was kind of hurt when I actually heard ZY saying good. When he was surprised that I didn't pester to chat awhile longer with him on the phone which I will usually do. I really wanted to spend alittle more time with him cause chatting with him is like having him by my side but like I said, since I have decided to leave him alone till O's, I have to do this. Yes, it is hard on me but to me, it is all worth it. If I really can keep him by my side after one month+. Everything is worth it. I choose to believe that between us there is still a glimmer of hope. Honestly, it is real hard to fake a smile telling everyone you are okay but actually you are not. I guess, I always learn things the hard way. I really miss ZY. I miss everything about him. It's only day one. No, in fact, day 5 to be exact. I believe everything he is doing now. He has his reasons. I was bruised and battered by him actually. He said there isn't a need to discuss with me over such an important stuff. He doesnt want to talk to me. He has nothing to talk to me. Other stuff seems to take over my position in his heart. His reply is all in one word form. The way he reply me hurts me alot as in the content plus the form. Despite all the hurt, I don't mind going through this cause I really love him alot.

/Edited
He told me his reasons. He wanted a break up. I agreed reluctantly. I really wish he could be mine again. Cause I really did nothing wrong. He told me love was bullshit. He told me all girls are cheebyes. He said I made him felt this way. I really did nothing. I hope he believes in me. He changed his fb pw. I was sad in a way. I felt this time he is really gone. Gone to a very far away place. I tried to hold back my tears but I just couldn't do so. I felt I lost him for something which I never did. This is so hard on me. If I did something wrong, I would be speechless but in actual fact, I did nothing. It is so hard to find a person with so many things in common with you. I found the person, I treasured him but I loose him for something which I didnt did but I understand how he feels totally. I really wish one day he can swallow this down and accept me again. Cause I am really innocent. I really did nothing. Everything towards him, I give him my 101%. I put in my heart and soul in him yet . . . Sigh. I want my silly boy back. Now you're gone, I feel so empty. I have lost my soul and heart. Please don't give up on me cause I really love you alot. Don't doubt me. I will prove to you. I really will.

Back to my life with emo posts.
Happiness are always short lived for me, I guessed?
Sigh.
Haters must be belly deee happy now.
Cause they are seeing me in misery.
I wish I can never see the world anymore.
I just hate this world so much.
Why am I always the one going through misery.
Three blows in a year.
Something great that I've achieved uh?
When you're gone by Avril Lavigne just express my feelings totally.
I hate to zi bao zi qi always.
I know my parents are hurt seeing me in this state.
BUT
I just can't control myself.
I just feel like isolating myself in the room.
I am seriously still clueless about what is happening.
I am sure it is more than the eyes meets.
O levels seems so far away.
I wish it was just like tmr?
I need an escape so badly.
Maybe alcohol is a good choice yeah?
Better than being childish, slitting my wrist or drowning myself into sleep.
I just dont want to loose you.
Do you know how important you are to me?
You want me to mug for my O's.
I will.
Just give me a day to get wasted after that I will be fine.
I will mug for O's.
And wait for that very day to arrive.
Please tell me everything is not a show, it's reality, we still have a glimmer of hope.
Sigh.
How could this happened to me?
I swear upon my whole family.
To all my readers, stalkers or passer bys.
I ain't that C_E_P.
Believe it or not.
I never agree on having any _E_U_A_ activities with any guys.
I think I got to make myself clear.
Cause I believe such stalkers or kaypohs or haters will read my blog eventually.
And I want to get this fact into your brains.
I AM INNOCENT!
I DONT KNOW WHY, HOW AND WHO STARTED THE RUMORS.
BUT
MY CONSCIENCE IS FUCKING CLEAR.
Cause of that ass I've lost a best friend and a lover.
I can't afford to loose another lover cause of this ass!
You people will never feel me.
Yes, I am a hot topic but you all gossip w/o putting yourselves into my shoes.
Thankyouverymuchforthatyoupeople.
I really wish to know the awful truth soon.
Why is it the minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days feel like months, months feel like years when I am alone?

I shall go and force myself to eat something before I see that sad sad face on my parents face.

P/S:
I HATE LIFE NOW.

In this space,
I only want to jot down happy moments about us.
Thus, whenever I am unhappy or things between us are bad, I didn't blog it out.
Friends are more important than you?
Please don't ever think that way.
Whatever I do, you are always the first thing that comes into my mind.
I would think of you before them.
Believe it or not.
In my heart, you are always my first priority.
Trust me, nothing matters more than you.
Perhaps, from the way I speak and my action shows you that my friends are much more important but the truth is you are the important one.

Do you know each time I see you cry,
my heart felt like there is a razor blade repeatedly dragging through it.
It just hurt so bad.
I want to be there for you so badly when you needed someone.
I know you want and need some time alone.
BUT
Do you know how I feel?
I don't want you to suffer everything alone.
I want to let you know you are not alone.
I am there, there for you.
To wipe your tears and comfort you.
You chased me away.
Still, I wanted to stay.
Till things were out of my wits, I left.
Cause I didnt want you to flare up and I didn't want to worsen your mood.

You really want to feel how I feel?
Yesterday, the first time you didn't text me in the morning.
Waking up to this weird feeling.
Imagination started to run wild.
I controlled myself.
I told myself, (Sheena, Trust him, Nothing is wrong. He just merely forgot to text you)
I was convincing myself, everything was alright.
Somehow, I sense something wasn't right.
Plus my ugly past made things worse.
Little actions that you did just make sucha huge impact on me.
Another example,
This morning, I kept calling you but you are not responding to my calls.
Do you know how sucky and fucked up I was feeling?
I just wanted to hear your voice so badly.
I just needed you to ensure I am still the only one for you.
Cause little did I know, you were mad about me.
Thus, I thought you had a change of heart or something like that.
I wanted to tell you how insecure I was.
BUT
I just don't want to add on to your burden and stress.
I want to ease your pain and face and solve the problems you had together.
BUT
You just can't open up to me.
Sigh.
I know the number of problems I am facing and the amount of stress is nothing compare to yours.
Thus, let me share the burden and stress with you, will you?

I really don't know what the fuck am I typing above.
All I know is I really love you, Chien Zhang Yi.
And it sucks to see you in misery.
I really wish I was the one going through this.

Labels: Jumbled up thoughts

Betrayals.
HAHA!
I ain't that naive as before.
I had enough of heartbreaks.
I really have to walk the safe route.
To prevent myself from being hurt.
Today,
Who can I blame?
No one but myself.
I choose this route, I bear the consequences.
I am trying so hard not to be affect by it.
Cause O levels, that bloody bitch is waiting for me to own it.
I can't let this trivial stuff affect my route to success.
TRUST?
SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK IN THIS WORLD CAN I TRUST?
Why is life sucha bitch?
Sigh!
I'd rather those people who want to hurt me to just fuck off from my life than hurt me aftermath fuck off.
Sickening assholes.
I don't owe you people any shit!

Why is this happening to me?
This isn't the life I've ordered.
FUCK IT!

Every decision or action you make has its consequences.
And you got to bear the consequences.

O levels is sucha bitch!
I didn't manage to finish the chapter on Development yesterday.
Cause I procrastinate as usual :X

On a brighter note,
I am going to remove my stitches tmr.
Can't wait cause I want to write so badly.
In fact, I want to drown myself into books.
I want to isolate myself from the cruel world.
Don't ya agree?
Reality is cruel.
O well, Face it bitch!
This is life.

Self Note:
:D
Always look on the bright side of life.
*whistles*

I am feeling super shitty now.
I really wish my fingers could recover like as soon as possible.
I need to write so badly.
I wanna chiong my ten years series.
I wanna chiong my last minute revision.
O's are in like less than a month time?
Wtf!
I haven't even started studying.
When I want to start such shit happened.
):
I tried memorizing the chapter on development just now
BUT
I failed.
I really need to be focus and get done and over with this O levels.
I really need to move on.
I am kinda confident with my english paper.
The rest I am so not prepared for it.
I know, Geog wouldnt be a problem.
SS uh!
Anyone can give me tips for SEQ?
Which mutha fcuking topic will come out?
Sciences are okay.
Maths, more practice.
Hopefully, I can create miracles.
I so dont want to go ITE lah!
Pass another two more!
NAFA, I also happy.
FUCK O levelsssssssssssssssss!
Cross fingers*
I will be able to finish the chapter development by today.

We're one month old!!!!!!! (Y)

So yesterday. . .
- Cabbed to Baby's place.
- We went Bugis before heading down to Vivo City
- I was not in the right state of mind.
- I tried super hard to tune in to the mood to celebrate our first month (Advanced).
- Unfortunately, I still failed.
- Anyway, Baby bought a shirt while I bought a pair of flats at Bugis.
- Mrt-ed to Vivo.
- Met his friends there.
- We caught Phobia 2.
- I will rate the show 1.5/5 popcorns.
- It is super boring plus it is not even scary.
- After the movie, Baby and I parted from them.
- We went to queue for Sushi Tei.
- The food was delicious.
- So it was worth the money afterall.
- Walked around Vivo to digest the food we consumed.
- Aftermath, we cabbed to Serangoon.
- Slacked there
- HSH at 12am

What a horrible experience! > ):

Pause the music from my music player and watch this.
This is a must watch video!
(-:

I've lost the courage to trust the people in my life.
Who will betray my trust and hurt me, I really don't know.
I've been betrayed not only once or twice.
To be frank, I had already lost count for the number of times I have been betrayed be it by my boyfriends and friends.
The hurt and damage they inflicted on me left me with a phobia of getting hurt.
To be together with ZY, it took me plenty of courage to take that risk and give him my trust.
Everyday, I am crossing my fingers that he won't do anything stupid to betray my trust and hurt me.
As I know if that happens, I will be in doom shitxz!
I think I might even have suicidal thoughts.
Cause I will be fucking lost and hurt at that point of time.
Honestly,
Who can I trust?
Apart from my family.
Friends?
Laugh my ass out!
The one that I placed the most trust in betrayed me.
It has been months since I learned about that news but still I find it super hard to accept reality that he did this to me.
It's like super unexpected and disappointing, you know?
Sigh.
Perhaps, I am too naive and nice.
That's why everyone is taking advantage of me or using my weak point to attack me and see in misery.
Today,
If my heart breaks, it's gonna hurt so bad.
I'm strong, but I can't take that.
I don't think I'll survive a heartbreak again.
Gotta start to learn to protect my heart and soul.
Why must the truth always be so awful?
Why must reality always be cruel?
Is it true that one can only trust him or herself in life?

Labels: Trust, The phobia of being hurt.