Mixed feelings was felt again.

Sigh.

Will it be mine someday?

Day 4
2nd Oct 2009
Sunny

Yesterday, woke up to the similar feeling that I had for the past few days. Decided not to stay at home so I could hit the books and do a little revision as O levels are just around the corner. In the end, met up with some clique mates. When I was going through my geog notes, ZY called. After he hung up the phone, he texted me not to contact anymore. My face changed instantly. We quarreled by text. He was unhappy about me sitting C during the birthday celebration as he saw the photos we took at Fb. Aftermath, he told me to stay tune for his Fb pictures this saturday cause it was revenge time. After reading that text, I went fuming mad. REVENGE!? My personal point of view about Revenge, it is fucking childish and when there's revenge in love, there's no point carrying on the relationship. I didn't know why my reaction was so big and I told ZY that I accept the fact that he is gone forever and many many harsh words. ZY called regarding the stars. For the first time in my whole life, I used vulgarities on him. When I shouted those fuck you, knn, ccb and telling him that I am at C's house which I am not in a harsh tone to spite him, my heart ached somehow. I just did that out of anger. For those who know me well, they should know once I got mad or explode, I just loose control of myself and vent everything out. I always say awful things or do stupid retarded things which I didnt mean it. Moments later, ZY texted me that he wanted to talk over the phone cause he wanted to tell me every single thing. At that moment upon reading the text, I felt I hurted ZY very deeply. It must be I hurted him till the extent that his heart couldn't take it any longer that is what make him came up with the decision of telling me every single thing. My cellphone died on me. I rushed back home, bathed and all. Just when I on the phone, ZY called. He told me that whatever he wants to say he had typed it in a message and sent it over to me. I told him to hold on while I read the message. After reading the message, there's so much that I want to tell him. Thus, today blog entry is indeed going to be a long one.

Zhang Yi,
There's so much that I want to tell you till I really don't know where to start. Hmmm, I understand how you feel about WL issue. I understand how you feel about your family. Little did I know, about the C_____ stuff. However, now I understand why you did everything in the past. Remember the message I texted you a few days ago? No matter what is going to happen to you in life, I just want to stick with you through everything. Even if it is a bad outcome, I am willing to go through it with you. What matters most is happiness during the period of time we are given. I am very touched that you hide it from me cause you did not want me to worry and get hurt. You questioned me about my form of waiting. I can tell you from my bottom of my heart, I didn't do anything since day one to betray you. Ridz is a good friend of mine thus I went for his birthday celebration. When you said break with all your actions and words, it just made me feel you are over me. Not totally over me but almost there. You give me the impression that you gave up on me but you still have a little feelings for me. So while waiting for that small percentage of feelings to fade away, you are still talking to me to somehow ease your pain. Once you are over me totally, you would just stop all the contacts. You told me, there isn't a need for me to report to you anymore cause you don't care and I am free to do so. Somehow, I took it seriously. For the past whole week, the way you treat me is super fucked up. For the first few days after the break up, you didn't care at all. Your replies are all one word. The way you treat me is like you put me in a boat and at times, you turn left, at times, you turn right causing me to feel nauseous and so lost. With the impression you give me, I got to take some precaution so that if even things turn negative at least I am still able to take my O level papers without being affected much. Honestly, I didn't know I was so wrong about everything till last night. Little did I know, you still cared and love me as much as before. Just that you are putting up a show for my own well being. I take back the words I said yesterday. I didn't even mean it in the first place. I am sorry for being so harsh on my words. I know you are affected by C's stuff now cause I met him twice with friends around. Didn't even talk much with him. We don't chat like how friends usually chat cause that is how we are since years ago. About the photo issue, I didn't initiate any photos to be taken with C. It was just random candid shots. I happen to sit beside him is cause Ridz wanted to be the photographer and he was like sitting between us initially. So all of just go with the flow. Fyi, after we finish cam whoring, we went to another place to slack and I didn't sit with him. I really didn't know you cared so much still cause from your actions you just make me feel like you are kicking me out of your life any moment. I promise, C's stuff will never happened again.

The bottom line of everything, I really did waited for you and I am still waiting. Faithfully, of course. I didn't do anything that betrayed you. Thanks for showing me how much you cared for me. From the C____ stuff which you have been hiding from me till C's stuff. You didn't make a big fuss over such a small thing. You did that cause you love me and you cared about me. Somehow, I am happy to know that. After all that happened, I felt I loved you more. If I have the chance to get back together with you again, I promise, the first thing I will do is to rush down to your house and give you one big hug and kiss and tell you how much I love you face to face. Initially, I wanted to tell you how much I love you here but after a second thought, if I am given a second chance, I would tell you face to face how much I love you cause it is more meaningful and memorable that way.


I haven't tell ZY before, how I felt about him when we are together. Perhaps, today, I should do it. When I am with him, I felt like the world most fortunate girl. His hugs are super warm. His kisses are super sweet. I like it the most when he always do silly faces to cheer me up whenever I cry. I felt he is a very good friend, boyfriend and husband. Oh ya! Father too. I can see from the way he cares about his little brother. He is a super nice guy. Sometimes, too nice till people might take advantage of him. He protects his love ones unconditionally. He is very emotional but that is a good side of him. He treasures everything around him, esp, his friends. That is what makes him so special. So special that he is the only one for me.

I love you, my one and only.
It has been a week since I last saw you.
I miss you truckloads.
I hope I can see you soon.
Prolly, you wouldnt want to see me anymore.
BUT
I will pray hard for an another chance to meet up.
We will overcome this together right?
You know how much I love you.
I know you do.
Would you give me a second chance?
I will be waiting for your answer.
I really don't wish to live life without you.
It's tormenting.
Real tormenting.

Today I have decided to leave ZY alone till O's are over. So from today onwards, it will just be our one text per day deal. Though, I will still text him at times to shower him with care and concern. Not forgetting, love. It was really a very tough decision to make but still I did it. I am taking the risk cause I love him alot. In fact, even more than I thought I did. Anyway, ZY just called me. Asking me whether I was alright. Told him my first lie. I wasn't alright. I wanted to tell him I needed him so badly but since I have decided to leave him alone till O's are over. I have to do this. Sorry ZY. I know you will understand. Changes at home, I have to adapt. Being the eldest sucks. Cause if anything happens to the family, is the eldest who is the one who feel the most. After what had happened at home, suddenly, a thought came into my mind. Is ZY feeling the same way too? Being the eldest too. Suffering everything. Even though our parents may say that they do not need us to worry or share their burden with them but we as the eldest, somehow, we really feel like helping the family out. I was kind of hurt when I actually heard ZY saying good. When he was surprised that I didn't pester to chat awhile longer with him on the phone which I will usually do. I really wanted to spend alittle more time with him cause chatting with him is like having him by my side but like I said, since I have decided to leave him alone till O's, I have to do this. Yes, it is hard on me but to me, it is all worth it. If I really can keep him by my side after one month+. Everything is worth it. I choose to believe that between us there is still a glimmer of hope. Honestly, it is real hard to fake a smile telling everyone you are okay but actually you are not. I guess, I always learn things the hard way. I really miss ZY. I miss everything about him. It's only day one. No, in fact, day 5 to be exact. I believe everything he is doing now. He has his reasons. I was bruised and battered by him actually. He said there isn't a need to discuss with me over such an important stuff. He doesnt want to talk to me. He has nothing to talk to me. Other stuff seems to take over my position in his heart. His reply is all in one word form. The way he reply me hurts me alot as in the content plus the form. Despite all the hurt, I don't mind going through this cause I really love him alot.

/Edited
He told me his reasons. He wanted a break up. I agreed reluctantly. I really wish he could be mine again. Cause I really did nothing wrong. He told me love was bullshit. He told me all girls are cheebyes. He said I made him felt this way. I really did nothing. I hope he believes in me. He changed his fb pw. I was sad in a way. I felt this time he is really gone. Gone to a very far away place. I tried to hold back my tears but I just couldn't do so. I felt I lost him for something which I never did. This is so hard on me. If I did something wrong, I would be speechless but in actual fact, I did nothing. It is so hard to find a person with so many things in common with you. I found the person, I treasured him but I loose him for something which I didnt did but I understand how he feels totally. I really wish one day he can swallow this down and accept me again. Cause I am really innocent. I really did nothing. Everything towards him, I give him my 101%. I put in my heart and soul in him yet . . . Sigh. I want my silly boy back. Now you're gone, I feel so empty. I have lost my soul and heart. Please don't give up on me cause I really love you alot. Don't doubt me. I will prove to you. I really will.